I was blinded by a bad mood for part of yesterday it seems. I guess the bad things just jump up into your consciousness a little easier than the good things. I was thinking about it today and just, the past few days a lot of things just fell together with such good timing.
Leighton, my best friend since 6th grade (who I havent talked to in ages) told me that she was going to school in Chicago with Brigette, one of my best friends from my year in China. It is so weird when different parts of your life just merge like that! What on earth are the chances? Both randomly happen to go to law school in Chicago together. Thanks to Leighton's exemplary facebook stalking skills, now I know.
So, I was like, hell, I need to go to Chicago for Spring Break! Now, this wouldn't be ideal, I have a law test the day we get back from break which I should study for that week, and the both of them should be studying for law school. Anyway, but I would totally have done it. Seeing both of them at the same time, how perfect would that be?
Then, I get this e-mail from Jo, a friend from Beijing who I haven't talked to in nearly a year, just a catch up e-mail type thing. And you know what he asks? 'Hey are you going to that TBC reunion in Chicago this summer?' (TBC is the Beijing program I was in). I hadn't gotten a single e-mail about it because they send e-mails to a defunct address of mine. So, what are the chances? Right after I decided to go to Chicago I find that there is a REUNION there this summer! So I can see TONS of people!
I'm so excited! And if I don't have a job by this summer, I can do some job hunting while I'm there.
Oh, and then Brigette called (because her and Leighton had a conversation about me :P) and I come to find that her sister was involved in working for non-profit aid agencies in, get this, Boston. Like, my dream. So, there is a contact in the field, which is great, if I could only find the time to start looking for jobs.
Plus, my law test is over, in a few hours my Bio test will be over, I have to get my Peace Topic paper done tonight, this weekend I finish my court briefs, law homework, Conflict quiz, and Comparative Politics paper that are all due on Tuesday and I am set for almost a week before something else is due! It may seem like a lot of work and not a lot of time off at the end of it, but with these few tests over I can almost see the faint glimmer of light at the end of the dark tunnel that has been this week. So. Optimism, yay :)
~Nikki
Good way to counter my post from yesterday?
It struck me as something vaguely like 'Post Secret', it was a really black mood that came over me today and in some horrible way, I knew that I had to share it to try and get over it. I'm pretty ashamed about it, actually. It has never happened to me before and I didn't think I was capable of it. I'm blaming it on the stress.
The other day, while procrastinating, I was wandering around facebook looking at some profiles of my friends. They were in grad school, or had jobs, or plans, or something. I was like 'eh' at the time, but something snapped in me today. I was heading out to study and the 'black' mood came over me. Not sad, depressed, or dark, just 'black' is the only way I can describe it. Looking back it was slightly self-disparaging, but I knew even at the time that it was very destructive.
I had this really overwhelming urge to find one of my friends who was as lost as I am. It doesn't sound bad when I say it, but it was really overwhelming. And the fact that I'm so upset about the thoughts that passed through my mind when wishing for this is sort of a testament to the situation that I see myself in. That I didn't really know I saw myself in until this mood came upon me. I wanted to find someone who didn't know what they were doing with their life, who didn't know where they would be in 3 months, some as uncertain, futureless, and lost as I am.
I didn't wish it upon a person, but I might as well have. I just wanted to find someone out there who hadn't moved so far beyond me or something. I honestly didn't think I was capable of such dark thoughts or desires, it was like I had blinders on and the thought just consumed me. It has never happened to me before and I feel like a horrible person now.
Maybe I should say something uplifting now? That I learned from this experience? Dark moods are as natural and as fleeting as good ones. I shouldn't feel guilty about them as they are a part of being human and are meant to teach us something about ourselves. I was confronted today by the repressed feelings that I didn't know I had about the situation that I am in. Brought about by stress from school, work, thinking about the future and what on earth to do when I graduate.
Maybe when I sort things out, this mood will have cleared some things up and given me a path to start down on. But I can't really see anything right now. I just don't have the time.
I have some other stories to post, but this is it for now.
~Nikki
