25 posts tagged “nablopomo”

YAY!!!!  It's done!  it's over!!  Huzzah!!!  I managed to post every day!  I managed to post actual POSTS everyday, I post everyday on my other journal but that is just because so many people depend on me to learn what is going on in the world :P 
So, it was rough, trying to come up with something to write every day, and I'll admit, they weren't all successes, but damn if I'm not proud that I did that, Ashenflower/Daphne, without ACTUALLY signing up for it, just for my own satisfaction.
Well, I don't think I learned anything about myself, or am really able to get my thoughts out better, but, hey, it is still a small kind of accomplishment, right?  Got me used to Vox ;)  Maybe they planned it.
But man....now what am I going to post?  I can only complain about my life in so many places :P

Well, that's it, 再见  not forever, but for a bit!  I need to revel in my new ability to NOT post for a while ;)  Congrats for everyone else that lasted through it!

~Nikki

The QotDs aren't helping me in my last few days (!!!) of NaBloPoMo.  I'm glad it is almost over.  I suppose my last post will be what I've learned about myself during this trying experiment...

There is always something that brings me back.  Today the weather was horribly humid (made even more oppressive by the fact that I am sick) and it reminded me of New Orleans.  There is always something, right?  The sound of the wind, the exact temperature, something, some wind that takes you back somewhere.  That is what I find at least.  I thought today that it was just me in a low point of my life remembering places I liked more.  And then I realised that that was all it was.  This isn't a low point in my life, there have been so many times that I have been worse than this, it is just the fact that I don't like it here.  It got me thinking about how I could have possibly loved New Orleans that much when I was so horribly depressed while I was there.  And then I really thought back and tried to remember what I was like.  I have to say that that was a very, very dark time in my mind, not in my life, but in my mind.  If you knew me now and went back into my mind then, you wouldn't be able to tell who you were looking at through all the black.  It was like a cloud was over my entire world.  I wasn't emo, I wasn't suicidal, but I have to say, it was debilitating.  I realise know how lucky I was to be able to break down my ego enough to get on medication and I only wish I had done it earlier.  Because, even looking through that bleak haze, I really loved it there.  It might be hard for people to imagine what it is like to be depressed.  I'm not talking about the teenage, high-school, suicidal phase that people go through, but as an adult, actually having clinical depression and not doing anything about it.  The haze that sits over your whole world, impenetrable.  I could never really experience life, I often wondered what walking down some street would be like if I could actually see it more clearly.  A disease of the mind.  I do recall though, having moments of peace, real peace.  I'm sure that peace now would be oppressing because of the darkness that still weighed on the back of my mind, but at the time, it was bliss.
Yet, I did have fun and I loved that city more than any other I've lived in (in the states).  I wonder how I functioned, perhaps it is a horrible dependency to have, but I honestly wonder how I lived from day to day.  It comes back to me when I accidentally miss a day or two of my medication, and I know that isn't even close to what it was like.  It's like, before you got your eyes checked and had to get glasses, you thought you could see just fine, you know?

But looping back to the beginning, the weather today reminded me of New Orleans, and I missed it.  I could almost close my eyes and I would be walking down St. Charles instead of here.  How I loved that city, the beat of it, the life of it.  How much more would I have liked it if I was like I am now?  I suppose things like that will always be a mystery.
But the suffering was impermanent, even I could see that, and now, when I look back, I see the good, and even if I saw it back then, I see it now with eyes unclouded and I can really appreciate it.  I almost wish I could go back and do it again, but I learned so much from all my experiences.
It is always hard to put feelings in to words.  Hard?  Impossible.  'We live as we dream -- alone.'  No one but ourselves can ever understand our dreams.  We have all had particular experiences in life that, if we all had the same dream, it would be completely different from person to person and we would never be able to express it. Such is life.  I made that quote into a poster back in an art class in high school.

There are places I remember 
All my life, though some have changed 
Some forever not for better 
Some have gone and some remain 
All these places had their moments 
With lovers and friends 
I still can recall 
Some are dead and some are living 
In my life I've loved them all

What pointless rambling. 

Days like this, for NaBloPoMo, I'm glad I occasionally have a post written from a few days ago so I don't have to write one.  The weather is changing drastically and it is really making me feel like shit, more so than usual.  I mean, I more often than not get migraines when the weather changes, because of the pressure, but this one?  KILLS.  Big front too, this is going on the second day.  Just to explain the weather change in this god-forsaken hell-hole of a state, it was 80F today and on Thursday the high is 30F.  Yea.  Fucked up.  I hate Texas.....
On to the post....

Lost

I’m a fan of movies.  Movies that strike a chord in you, some emotion that it pulls out.  I guess different kinds of movies do it for different kinds of people.  They are usually the movies that you can watch a thousand times and always love them.  I think you could probably tell a lot about someone’s personality about which movies they would most closely associate with if you really looked into it.  Someone who’s kind of movie is a chick flick is different than someone who likes a serious drama, for instance.   It isn’t just the genres of movies that you like, or even the movies that are your favourites.  It’s more than that, a feel that a movie leaves you with I guess.

I have a few of those.  Not many, two come to mind right now.  They aren’t fantasy, or drama, or chick flicks, or action.  They are….real?  Some people don’t like movies that seem real.  The pacing is too slow for some people, or maybe they just want an escapist movie and ‘real-life’ movies don’t really do that.  My two are Lost in Translation (#1) and Garden State.

I was only thinking about it because I just watched Lost in Translation and it evokes some kind of emotion in me, or feeling in me, that I just can’t place, but it is strong.  Not strong as in passionate, but strong as in overwhelming.  Lost, alone, empty?  I liked the movie even before I lived in China, I felt like, somehow, I always associated with the vibe that it was giving off.  Probably even more after going to China, maybe feeling some of the difference that comes across in that movie, being in a foreign culture and whatnot.  But it is more than that.  Hard to explain, it’s like explaining dreams.  It just can’t be done.  It never feels to leave me contemplative and morose even?  And restless.  I want to be out there, I want to be traveling to different places, even if it is awkward and even if I don’t fit in.  There is something about it.  Maybe it is the traveling spirit in me, but that is what I love.  There can even be something comforting being in a place surrounded by so many people and not understanding anything, being so out of your element, totally losing yourself.  Sometimes it is a good feeling.

I also love the relationship aspect of the movie.  Well, as in friend-relationship.  Whether or not they were ‘friends’ it does always remind me of those people that I have used like that.  People that I have met that were so close to me for that period of time, maybe only because we were the only two similar people, but who I eventually parted ways with and never spoke to again.  But sometimes they can hold such prominent places in your memories, even more so than people you have known for years.  And they can make a normal, boring place and time stand out in your memory as if it were a life changing experience. Single-serving friends?  People who don’t have them really underestimate the impact that they can have on lives.  Friends come and go.  Forever, really.  It really says something about humanity though, seeking out others like yourself in a world full of strangers.  It is a strange phenomenon and it happens all the time.  Just an extreme example is in other countries were you seek out other Americans, or westerners.  That happened to me all to often.

Wow, the QotDs have been crap lately, haven't they?
Well, I went home today to see a play with my parents.  Or, rather, my sister had to drive me to her work at 6am and then my parents had to pick me up because I am still car-less (well, tire-less actually).  Because of that, I had a ton of time to kill at my parent's house.  So I went into the garage and I went through a bunch of my boxes of shit that I've collected over my life to organize it and whatnot.  I go through those boxes a lot actually, but sometimes I actually get things done, go through things and clean it out.  My parents are pack rats and never through anything away.  I would like to say that I am different, but all my stuff is just in boxes.  There is so little of it that I actually use, in all the places that I live, I only have a few things that I take with me.  Everything else is just...sentimental I guess.  I get rid of some things, but others it is just...'maybe I'll look back on this in a few years and get all reminiscent'.  You know? 
I know it is stupid, the only time I'll ever look at most of that stuff is next time I go through it all and end up throwing it away.  Little by little I think it'll dwindle down.  It's easier though, when you don't have to look at it every day.  I guess there is a little of an attachment to it, or else I would just get rid of it all.  But I'm not actually attached to it.  I don't know what exactly is going on.  I guess it is the same for a lot of people though.  Can live years without something, but yet it brings a smile to your face when you come across it.  Only to live without it for another 10 years. 
I don't know what possesses me to keep it all.  I don't plan on having any kids, which is the only reason I could see MAYBE keeping it, to show them later.  But without that?  What?  It just takes up space, you know?  I could probably leave and never think of most of it again for the rest of my life, but I can't bring myself to get rid of it!!!  It's infuriating.  Creatures of habit I guess.  But there is something to say for the fact that it'll dwindle down eventually, right?  When my parents leave and I never have my own house.  How long will I want to carry around a bunch of junk?

I'm running low on things to talk about, you'd never guess would you?

Really running out of things to say now, but we are winding down to the end of NaBloPoMo.  Thankfully, lol.
I just watched Fellowship of the Ring.  It never ceases to amaze me and I it never ceases to remind me of how much of my life and being revolves around my love for Lord of the Rings.  It is my only true obsession, and I am one of those very obsessed people.  Someday, when I have a house, I am going to dedicate an entire room to all my LotR stuff that are currently in boxes, which is tragic.  But really, I love it.  Not only for what it is, but sometimes being so involved in something really makes you feel connected to people, you know?  More so than usual I mean.  Like, wherever you go, you can always find a friend if only for your common interest in something.  I don't know why I just started thinking about how much I love being obsessed with Tolkien, which is one of the nerdiest things I'll probably ever say.  Maybe it was because when I was getting my tire fixed the guy called and was like, is this your car?  The Frodo one?  lol.   Yup.  I was also thinking while watching the movie that I would totally be one of those people who would name their kid after a LotR character.   There are just some things that feel so good when you know that they consume you.  It should be a scary concept, but sometimes it isn't, sometimes it really makes you feel whole.  It is such a part of me, it has been such a huge part of these past, what, 6 years of my life?  Maybe even longer.  That is a long time when you think that I am only 21.  So few things that I've like, collected, been a fan of, have persisted.  It dies out eventually, you know, every girl has certain phases that they go through.  But this, it'll stay with me forever :)  I have met so many people because of it, had such good times. 
Well, if you didn't know me, now you do :)  Lord of the Rings and Buddhism are my two biggest obsessions. 
I'm in a good mood, even if I have to wake up at 6am because my sister has to take me to work with her so I can meet my parents later since I don't have a car :(  Damn bloody screw stuck in my wheel *cries*  Poor Frodo.

~Nikki

Titled thus because I really don't have anything to say.  I've run out of things going through my mind.  November is a bad month for this, it is the point when you really just burn out in the school year and don't have anything going through your head except what paper is do next, what the hell you are going to write it on, and when you'll have a chance to study for that final for that other class.
I'm excited for Christmas, it is sad though because I feel like we haven't even had fall.  It is going to be 75F tomorrow.  Just doesn't seem right.  I'm beginning to remember why I never always get caught up in the Christmas spirit no matter how hard I try.  It just always seems to come before I feel like I'm ready for it.  I'm convinced it is the bloody weather here in Texas.
I'm making all my Christmas cards this year.  Big task, harder since I suck at drawing.  I should have started earlier, I'm rushed now.  And to think Christmas is only in a month!!

Yea, my mind is numb, nothing insightful today.

~Nikki

Call me a nerd, or whatever you wish, but I am devastated at this news about The Hobbit.
I have been a fan for as long as I can remember!  Hard core too.  My car's name is Frodo, license plate and all.  I've traveled around the country going to showings, concerts, and exhibits.  I waited in line for 12 hours on Trilogy Tuesday.  I have read the books more times than I can count, books about the books, books about the movies, books about the author, and other books by the author.  I believe this entitles me, and the other fans, to be outraged about this.
New Line has betrayed us.  I don't know what we expected out of a corporation, but whatever it was, this WILL come back to them.  They made a horrible mistake, and I don't mean just integrity-wise.  I haven't talked to a single person that will ever see a movie about The Hobbit made by someone other than Peter Jackson.  And granted, maybe I only talk to other LotR freaks, but there are a lot of us out there!!
They can't find another director to make these movies.  That is the truth.  There is no one out there that is the fan that PJ is, no one out there that has the passion he does to be able to make these movies.  I think New Line underestimated the devotion the fans have to the director.  Maybe they underestimate the devotion some of the actors will have too.  What if Ian McKellan doesn't come back?  That would be the end of it.  If they don't quit the movie then it will just crash and burn, nothing could be more certain.  Or what about Viggo in this 'in between' movie they planned on making?  That movie would die a horrible and painful death.
The Hobbit is tricky, anyone that has read the book can tell you that.  It will be very hard to make into a movie and have it be amazing.  I honestly don't think that anyone else could make it a decent movie.  They don't know how much they owe to Peter Jackson.
Would it be so hard just to settle the damn law suit?

I'm still too upset over the whole thing.  This is just the beginning.  They pushed the first rock down the hill that started the avalanche.   It has already begun.  Protesting, boycotting, petitioning.  They made a mistake.

~Nikki

They always say that the news only prints the bad news and never the good.  It is refreshing when they do though.  When you follow the news as much as I do, it is easy to get disheartened by it.  By disheartened I mean lose all faith in humanity :P
Secret Santa Reveals Identity

I completely forgot to post yesterday!!!!  I'll have to post twice today...or something to make up for it.
I've run out of things to rant about, honestly.  I don't want to just post because I have to.  I am pretty convinced that I actually had an idea of what to post yesterday, but for the life of me, I can't remember.  Maybe about money?  Probably, it seems to be the only thing on my mind lately and I detest that about myself.  It is so much easier to not think about money when you have it.  The horrible thing is, it isn't just that I need the money for Thailand, I do, but even though I'm getting the same amount from my parents, it isn't going as far as it used to.  I spend so much more money buying groceries as a vegetarian.  That's probably the only downside I can come up with to being a vegetarian.

Money.  It’s a drag.

Probably the worst thing about it is actually not having money to buy Christmas presents.  I'm doing what I can, but it is rough.  I'm thinking that if I can keep it below $150, I'll be fine.  Doesn't help that my sister's birthday AND my dad's are both in December also.
I was offered $100 to write a paper for someone yesterday.  I am now really, really wishing I had taken him up on that offer.  $100 for a 5 page paper?  Totally worth it.  My morals got in the way for 10 seconds and ruined the chance for me.  Damn.  I'm putting that on my list of stupid things I've done right next to not preordering a PS3 so I could sell it on ebay.
I wish I had things to sell off....Maybe now is the time to try and get rid of those pearls I have from China.

~Nikki

Villagers exploited